I have a horrible issue with being insecure. I hate attention from guys unless its my guy. I get uncomfortable when someone points out my good qualities or tells me I'm pretty. If I get a complement I tell myself "they are lying". I get worried when there are other girls around and I'm having a lazy dress down day. I tell my self "I am not as pretty as them" and I constantly feel like my guy is checking them out or wishing I looked like them. I constantly wonder if he wonders what they would be like in bed or what they look like underneath those clothes. I always worry that my relationship is going to end and worry about my future with him. I get mad if he isn't making it aware to everyone that I'm his one an only. I get jealous if he is talking to girls that are just friends and possibly not even close friends at that. I worry if he is sitting on the other side of the couch and not being affectionate. I'm way too analytical for my own good with everything from text messages and facebook to silence or toned responses.
I hate that I'm like this but I have decided to make a change. I will start to build my self-confidence. I will let go of my fear of rejection. I will feel inferior. I will be sure of my abilities. I will get back to having only positive thoughts of my self.
I know I am beautiful, gorgeous, hot and I can be sexy when I want. I know I can pull something off a walmart shelf and make it look just as good as the girl walking around in Buckle clothing. I have an amazing personality and I know how to have a great time. I am an amazing mom and a great friend. I have a huge heart and love everyone. I forgive easily and love strongly. I'm an amazing girlfriend and some day a wonderful wife. I encourage my man to be more and achieve higher goals. I love him when times are grand and when they are rough. I should know and respect that he loves me just as much and he wouldn't be here if he didn't. He wouldn't be sharing his thoughts, his goals and his life dreams with me if he didn't want to be with me.
Fidelity is a gift that one person gives another. If I try to force fidelity out of him it is just robbing him of the joy of giving it to me. Its not love, its a negative form of co-dependency. It makes him feel powerless and like a slave. If I just allow him to gift me with his fidelity, he will be pleased to give more then I expected. I read that "trust is like a muscle. It needs to be used to grow. It will not grow if it is not used"
I know things change and I know feelings can change and if the time comes I will deal with it then, but right now I need to cherish the days and moments that I have with him. I cant worry about when or how the end is going to come... just enjoy every moment we are together. His smile, his touch, his words, his human-ness... these moments are the most wonderful things in life, I will experience them fully. Not throw them moments away by worrying.
He has shown me I can trust him and I have no reason not to. I just need to relax.
If you relate to this, please say so. I would love to know that I'm not the only one.
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