??

Questions marks make a question.
Exclamation points show emotion
Periods end a sentence.  We all know You can have a statement and once you throw in that punctuation mark you are saying something totally different.
For example the word "i love you"
It can be "I love you!" Or "I love you."
Or the reason I am writing this blog, "I love you??"

I love you??
I love the way you say my name?
I love the way you hold me?
I love knowing you'll always be there for me?
I love how you make me feel secure??
I love not knowing what our future holds?
I love the friendship we have?
I love knowing that I will be the only one forever and ever as long as we both shall live??
Are any of these things true? Do i honestly love these things.

I know what I do love.
I love hearing my name! But not when you're talking bad about me to your friends, when you're saying it out of anger. I love when someone says it out of kindness or passion.

I love being held! But not when you're holding me here for your own enjoyment. I love when you're holding my tight at night, when I'm crying over spilled milk and you assure me its all going to be okay.
I love knowing I will always have someone to rely on. Not as in "I can always rely on you to disappoint me, hurt my feelings, make me feel as if its always my fault." But in a way i know you will never let me fall, you will always push me to be better and do better.

I love not knowing what the future holds!! Such as on the exciting ride of a roller coaster. The turns it takes and not knowing what is coming up next. But, that doesn't mean I love not knowing what turn my future is going to take or what obstacle is going to come up next.

I love having a friendship with you. The one we used to have, we could talk for hours, we never wanted to go to bed. We never cared what anyone said about each other. We were always so reassuring to one another. But now is as if we try to break each other down more then anyone possibly could, we have no desire to lift each other up. We don't talk, we text. We don't play around, we fight.

I love knowing I will always be the only one forever and ever. The only one that gave you your first child, the only one that gave you your first love, the only one that adored you first and made you my life. I will never be the one you only love, the only one you cherish, the only person you dream of growing old with.

Now do i love you?...... Or do you even love me?

God gave me you!

Ive been a walking heartache Ive made a mess of me.

The person Ive been lately isnt who I want to be.

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God game me you for days of doubt.

I will be everything and more for you, baby! 

You are my rock!!

Mutual Feelings

There is a lack of mutual interest in every serious relationship and every dating relationship that I have been in. 

There is lack of mutual words and actions, lack of mutual values, lack of love, care, trust and respect and lack of mutual feelings and relationship. 

At first I have high hopes for the relationship but then the feelings become no longer mutual and it fails.

The harder I work at an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship the less mutual it becomes.

I always end up feeling rejected, being confused,  and I feel like I have to try and win them over. I feel "not good enough." When this happens, I opt out. Its like raising your hand up and saying "Gimmie Five" and then being left hanging. Ive done it to others numerous times and Im not proud of it.

 I hate it when its done to me, why do I do it?

Real, mutual love doesn’t have ‘buts’. You don’t need someone saying “I love you but…you know my situation” or “I love you but I can’t give you what you want” or even “I love you and we’ll always be friends but…” This is a prime example of what I do.

  I now will make a promise to my self "I Amanda, will not say I love you to another man until that man has my whole heart. I will not cry over a man, I will not chase a man, I will only chase my dreams and cry in joy because I have reached them."